Adopted from Allanwolf.com
Question: Why do Cowboys write poetry?
Answer: Because they’re inspired by the moos.
Question: What is the highest honor among Cowboy poets?
Answer: Poet lariat.
Question: Why didn’t the angry farmer divorce his wife when she traded
their prize milking cow for a book of poetry?
Answer: Because he vowed to love her for butter or verse.
Question: How do poets say good bye?
Answer: “I’d like to linger a little longer but it’s getting aliter-ate.”
Question: What did the poet say to Luke
Answer: “Metaphors be with you.”
Question: What is a metaphor?
Answer: For grazin’ yer cattle.
Question: What is a simile?
Answer: It’s like a metaphor.
Question: How do poets say hello?
Answer: Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
Question: Why did the boy poet introduce himself to the girl poet?
Answer: Because he wanted to meter.
Question: How does a poet sneeze?
Question: Why are poets always so poor?
Answer: Because rhyme doesn’t pay.
Question: What do baby poets play with?
Answer: Tanka trucks.
Question: What did William Wordsworth mean by “a spontaneous
overflow of emotion recollected in tranquility”?
Question: Why do poets despise writing commercial jingles?
Answer: Because jingles are ad-verse.
Question: How is a book of poetry like O.J. Simpson’s testimony.
Answer: Nobody buys either one of them.
Question: Where do poems come from?
Question: Why did the traffic cop give the poet a ticket?
Answer: For driving without a poetic license.
Question: Where do poets obtain poetic licenses?
Answer: From the DMV, the Department of Metrical Verse.
Question: When is a carpenter with a 2x4 like a poem?
Answer: When he’s a sawin’ it.
Question: What do you get when you combine Robert Frost and James Bond?
Answer: The Road Not Shaken but Stirred.
Question: What’s big and gray and writes poetry?
Answer: T.S. Elephant.
Question: What’s a Grecian Urn?
Answer: About twenty thousand drachmas a year after taxes.
Question: Why was John Keats always hounded by creditors?
Answer: Because he Ode so much.
A nurse is giving a young medical intern a tour of the hospital.
The intern approaches one bedridden patient and asks, “Why are you here?” The
patient replies, “Wee sleket cowerin’ timrous beastie/O, what a panic is in thy breastie.”
The intern moves on to the next bed and asks the same question, “Why are you
here?” The patient answers, “O, my luv is like a red, red, rose that’s newly sprung in June.”
The intern moves on to a third bed and asks again, “Why are you here” to which
the third patient replies, “The best laid plans of mice and men, may often gang awry.”
At this the intern turns to the nurse and asks, “What ward is this anyway.” And
the nurse answers, “It’s the Burns Unit.”
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Berkeley graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.”
First to recite his poem was the Berkeley graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson,look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,
I supect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Someone has stolen our tent!"
Once there was a really good cat who died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates St. Peter met him and told him that because he had been a good cat on Earth he could have anything he wanted.
The cat had always wanted a big fluffy pillow like the one her master had on Earth so that was her request.
A few days later 4 really good mice died and went to heaven. Once again, St. Peter met them at the pearly gates and told them they could have anything they wanted for being so good.
They had seen children roller skating on Earth and thought that sounded like fun so they requested roller skates.
A few days later St. Peter decides to go check on the cat and make sure all is well with her. When he arrives at her pillow he asks her, "Is the pillow the right type? Are you comfortable? Do you need anything else?"
To which the cat replied, "The pillow is wonderful and those meals on wheels are terrific!"
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."
Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"
The guy burst out laughing and said, "You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"
An old man was driving down the interestate at 22 miles per hour. He never went above or below. An officer noticed and followed him a while and then pulled him over. Before the officer could even get to the window the man was saying "I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 mph and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding".
The police officer said, "I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going to slow".
The man said "but the sign says 22".
The officer told him that he was on interstate 22. As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were 3 older ladies sitting inside the car. All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy.
The police officer leaned toward the man and said "What is wrong with them?"
The man said "well, we just came off of interstate 134".
A Panda walks into a restaurant.
The waiter takes the Panda's order.
When the order is ready, the waiter takes it to the Panda.
The Panda eats the meal, pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter
and runs out of the restaurant.
The owner of the restaurant goes running after the Panda.
When the restaurant owner finally catches up to the Panda,
he asks, "Why did you shoot the waiter?"
The Panda tells the owner to look up 'Panda' in the dictionary.
The owner goes back to the restaurant and looks up 'Panda' in the
dictionary. Under 'Panda' it says: Eats shoots and leaves.